Our resident psychic, Crystal Balls, tells you your fortune for this week
Aries
YOU tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don’t give a shit about anyone.
Most people hate you, but for some reason you couldn’t care less. You’re the type of person who would pull your pants down at a wedding and swing your bits around like a lasso.
Luck will lead you down the street screaming obscenities at random strangers until they jump you and beat you to a pulp. You thought by calling them a twunt you were displaying your flair and creativity.
Taurus
PANIC. Or at least flail your arms about. The future does not look good, rosy, happy or full of pixies dancing and prancing.
You won’t be feeling particularly lucky when you delve deep into your loved one’s most intimate parts and find maggots, crusty looking cheese and Texas barbecue flavoured Pringles round the edges. What on earth could they have been up to?
Gemini
ATTRACTION to the wrong kinds of people will increase over the coming weeks, including (but not limited to) cartoon characters and clowns.
Love is like a sea full of sea turtles. Or at least, it should be. If you’ve not experienced this then it’s time to either look elsewhere or just look harder.
Luck is slipping your hand inside your girlfriend’s panties only to lose a finger after being bitten by the crabs that have infested her sausage purse. Has she been messing with a Taurus?
Cancer
COMMENTING on a nearby person’s “peaches” may not go down too well. Avoid language with anything to do with sex or fruit during your lunch break.
You may find you have to see out most of the day with only one eye to guide you.
Your luck will run out when you’re fired from your job for sexual harassment.
Of course they gave you all the signals but they were trying to tell you to fuck off and not asking whether you would like to fuck?”
Leo
YOU have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive, but that’s about it as far as positives go.
You lie a great deal, make the same mistakes repeatedly because you’re stupid and everyone thinks you are an absolute arsehole.
Luck is being hunched over on your bed sucking your own cum through a straw because you’re desperate for a blow job and the dry spell has lasted more than four years.
If only you had your lower ribs removed like Prince.
Virgo
WHY not pick up the phone and yell into it wildly before dialling your required number? You have recently received some equipment for which there was a manual. Please give this manual a quick read so as to avoid problems later.
Luck is having a sneaky stroke in your work bathroom only to find it posted on both your work website and Youtube after failing to spot the new micro camera in the toilet - there to monitor work dodgers like your good self.
Libra
A TAXI queue may be a surprising place for love to strike this week. Of course, you’ll be parted without getting each others numbers or having any chance of meeting again as they just arrived on the train and don’t live anywhere near. Still, love can do that, can’t it?
Luck depends on the rabbit’s foot you have in your hand, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit - he bled to death.
Scorpio
REPETITION may annoy you today as someone close by tells you the same damned story over and over again.
Looking for a saviour is a commendable past-time, but ignoring your personal hygiene is a forfeit you really shouldn’t have made.
Luck is discovering that you can wear your underwear four different ways - orthodox, back to front, inside out and front to back. It will save on the laundry bill you penny pinching bastard.
Sagittarius
PLEASE keep your eyes on the exits. Everything you think about yourself will be called into question this week.
Luck is eating that nine-day-old lasagne because you’ve spent all your money on buying booze, drugs and crayons.
Capricorn
YOU’RE weak at heart and must endeavour to become stronger by subjecting yourself to ritualistic torture.
Complete the sentence: “My day will be really shitty because my boss will find out that I surf the internet for ________ hours.”
The mental problem you’re having may subside once you relax about things.
Luck is being chatted up at a bar by an anorexic blonde bimbo who’s off her face on coke. She is not looking to be banged hard, she is just looking for free beer and your dignity.
Aquarius
THE DEAD are unlikely to rise from their graves this week, but this shouldn’t deter you from starting your “Anti-Zombie” fan club. You’ll also realise your favourite attribute in a person is their ability to tell you just how fantastic you are. Unfortunately, this hasn’t occurred since 1991.
Pisces
SOMEONE close to you will brush your arm today in a way that will make you think that you’re “in there.” However, what you may not see is that they have a cold and have just passed it your way via a wet hand.
True love is to show someone how ridiculous you can be when you let your guard down. Some people find that attractive. Luck is getting on the wrong bus home and falling asleep on some luscious lesbian’s shoulder while she picks your pockets of your remaining shrapnel.
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